well, i meant to

i meant to update this blog many times over the last some months or so.  

let's see, I had major successes and failures, consistent attempts in at least 3 states not excluding wisconsin, texas and illinois, and i don't have anything to show you for it.  or do i not?  

I do.  

but because i'm not a great blogger or whatever shit this is, you won't just see it without any effort.

let's summarize:  as usual, ben gerstein is a source of great inspiration and unexpectedness, programming has vexed and beguiled me, the saxophone is still my friend, there is a new pile of wood and synthetics over my head, and in spite of living in suburban middle america with no reason other than the military forced it to be accepted as a convenience, this home, with it's largest footprint, pool and mowable lawn, has proven its charms as a very snoozable environ and also a deep study cave.  what does that mean?  i don't know.  i may still be in the minor clutch of a mid-life crisis.  I think for certain that God is real, and that when approached in the deep night with sincerity, life feels different.  it's the difference between a hole, and a doughnut.

nothing else to report .. well, one more thing:  my friend frank gourley has been hiking hundreds of miles in the wilderness and I applaud him massively.  he is a hero to all for doing what he wants in this life.

you see, war, and rumors of war will always be in supply here.  all the chinese proverbs are true - a limping cat is better than a healthy stallion, in a palace full of rats.  

you see?  this world, and your mind as a tool of focus in it, will not ever stop showing you rats, and palaces, and cats, and injury, and rumor, and information.  you will have a choice - you have a choice; live, suffer, seek, laugh, accept, understand the sameness of all human experience over all time, commit your action to the garden of all, or think that you are separate and therefore special .. special in a way that demands you to do everything that is done in your life without any purpose or clarity as to why you are here doing something, but that because you are you: you are unique.  

put another way, like frank, do what you want in life, because whether you do or don't, you will be watching a movie with the same characters, same plots, same outcomes.  this world is a palace full of rats.  the wise one is a limping cat, waking each day with no expectation and the ability to hunt or hide, sleep or play, please or not please its masters. if you have a limping cat and a palace full of rats, maybe you think things will go well for you.  if you are limping cat in that palace, you think nothing because you are a limping cat.  how can i continue with this metaphor.

choose and your choices are there.  hope, and you may get something or the other. Ooo, another Chinese proverb:  the wise man hunts, the fool waits for a roast duck to fly into his mouth.

anyway, nobody is there. nobody reads these words.  these are my notes to myself.