How does one?

I have a nearly impossible time not committing to things fully once i've committed (i'm reverting to all lower case which is how it's been since 2004- why i haven't archived all iterations of my website i'll never know),  and yet, here i am doing the same thing i've bee doing for 12 years with a half grin on my face, and definitely not fully committed.. ahahah.. i speak of work.  something must change.   i find it ... hopeless to be honest:  going to the same place each day, not really enjoying it, reproducing old things, and paradigms, constantly stemming the tide of retribution that might flow my way if something is done objectively or subjectively wrong... on and on and on.  anyway, this is partially why i am learning to program computers.  i just can't sit idly by while my creative visions aren't made visible and audible to the world.  the problem is that the medium most appropriate to manifest them is not within my grasp, so i am in chosen reclusion at this time for the express purpose of learning to program computers.  so contrive, much bore you might say?  here, here.  but, all is not as it may seem, because not only is the art of programming a most appropriate sphere within which to express visions and abstractions' product of now, but it is an intellectual pursuit that falls in line with the ancient and guarded path of wisdom: jnana yoga.  not that a am a jnana yogi (and anyway, that is more about knowledge of self, but you can learn a lot about yourself by learning a lot) but i distinctly feel the discomfort of not using my mind in a way in which it is challenged and tested.  AND, it so happens that the art and idea i must express at this time is only, and most easily possible, using recursion, algorithms, data stacks, and the random reordering of the input data derived from human life, process and experience when tracked over time.  much unfortunate this though, because i simply don't have the programming acumen to put this vision out there yet. hence deep cocooned learning cycles.  

now back to "how does one?":  the only answer i can see at the moment, is that people are completely committed to the things they are committed to, whether they are committed to them or not, and it doesn't matter what the commitment level really is, because making bacon (or, bringing home the ends meat as i once erroneously believed was the phrase) for the sake of the nuclear family and all its hierarchical genetic, cultural, and social imperatives, is paramount, and depending on one's ambition, drive, vision and execution, is either make or break (taking no input values from mental abstractions or social/cultural conditions such as commitment, duty, obligation, and country), so no social construct or condition can defeat it.  so we just do it.

let me unpack that absurd sentence for you: we do what we do no matter how we feel about it.  we do this because supporting the "family" is genetically programmed into us, and regardless of any learned behavior or mental construct, we will instinctively do this as we can, until we die. depending on how well we do it, it's pass/fail, but it must be done, so we just do it.  i think that's what it says.  i don't really know why i wrote it.. i think i remember feeling at the time that it was good practice for programming because trying to keep track of all the clauses, subject verb agreements, and commas in one sentence is like making sure you have appropriate bracketing and closure in nested situations and loops.

i don't really know why i write stuff like this.  it's not as if it is part of some personal philosophy, or part of a greater collection.  i think i do it as writing practice in general, and to work through my own resistance to social conditions.  i do believe on some level that a lot of it is accurate, but i have no connection to philosophical or empirical study on the matter.    suffice to say that i am working on a network of skills that will allow me to manifest creative impulses on a more specific and and far reaching level than anything i have done before, while still leaving room for deep experimentation.  i am a late bloomer.  i don't know when the first fruit will fall, but i know that this is a reimagining of and reawakening in life.